Home > Uncategorized > Almost Six Months Out…

Almost Six Months Out…

Feels like the second wave of grief has hit. Plus, I busted my leg during a bad fall so I’m not able to move around much.

And were it not for my friend and angel “Milton,” I’d have lost my mind. Milton has stayed right with me for six months, even using four weeks of paid leave from his work during the darkest hours. He also orchestrated the move out of my home in Norfolk into a rental home. He has literally exhausted himself trying to save me, keep the bills paid, find a rental, and relocate to another city. When I start sinking into the mire of self-pity, I make a list of the things for which I’m grateful and I literally - speak out loud - the names of those who are praying for me. Those prayers have also kept me on this earth.

If you were one of the people praying for me, I am profoundly grateful.

My eldest daughter Crystal calls me every night to check on me. That is another lifeline that keeps me moving forward, one step at a time. And there’s Barbara, who gave me this advice: “Be gentle with yourself. You need sleep and rest. Live 15 minutes at a time. This may take a year or it might take two, but stop pushing it.”

And my Facebook friend “Bev” who contacted me and said, “What can I do to help?” And then showed up to help with The Big Move into the rental. And held me when I wept.

And there’s Tracie - who from the very beginning - spoke words so profound (and on point) that I pulled out my laptop and transcribed the conversation so that I could read it again and again. And Cathy (Wayne’s sister), who has sent me daily texts reminding me that she loves me, and that I would always be part of her family. And Anne and Mike, who took me into their home for three weeks - the three worst weeks - and kept me going.

I’ve found that there are two kinds of people in this world: Those who have known and/or really understand tragedy and those who don’t. It really is that simple.

I’ve also learned that many of your “good friends” disappear while others - often people that were on the periphery of your life -use all of their best energies to pull you out of the icy seas and into the life boat, and put their best efforts into saving you, just because that’s how they’re wired. They open their homes and hearts to a a veritable stranger because, they’re that type of person that knows about tragedy.

And I have learned that way too many people are too comfortable to allow your discomfort into their circle, so they make up stories as an excuse to keep you out of their life. It’s as though they genuinely believe that you’re contagious.

I’m sorry to say that I’ve seen the very worst of Christianity during this crisis, and yet I’ve also seen the very best. There truly are angels walking among us who can still see a shimmer of God shining in your soul when all you can see is darkness. I’ve spent many hours just sitting quietly in churches seeking respite and peace. And kudos to the Catholics for keeping their churches open throughout the day. A priest in Alton, Illinois spent two hours talking to me - a stranger - and explaining that God was still with me. His words brought much comfort.

And there’s Donna in Illinois who has offered to let me stay with her as long as I need to, so that my shattered heart and soul can heal.

I haven’t abandoned this website but I’m not sure what to do with it.

And thanks again to all those who have sent me their prayers and their love.

Rosemary

Rosemary.ringer@gmail.com

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  1. Rita Wilson
    October 14th, 2016 at 12:52 | #1

    Good morning, Rosemary. I’ve been a follower of your site here and on FB for several years. While I was aware that Wayne had passed away in April, I was unaware of the circumstances. My heart goes out to you on your sudden and uncomprehending loss. I can’t fathom what you are feeling. I see the heart break and long term grief of two friends who lost their son and father in similar manners. One just last month and one years ago.

    There is no reason why you should question your belief that God is still with you. He has not abandoned you. You will find that you have the strength deep within to cope with your tragic loss.

    As for friends who appear to have walked away from you, please know that people do not know how to act or react to someone who is suffering. They do not know that words are not necessary. Just an arm about your shoulders, hand grasping yours, are all that is needed to give you a small measure of comfort.

    Humans can deal with adversities of nature but are ill equipped to deal with death. When my beloved Bill died so quickly and suddenly of a major heart attack, I found that very few people approached me to offer comfort and that I was often the one to comfort his children, his family or his friends.

    Unfortunately, the questions that raise with the passing of a loved one are never fully answered. The whys are and will remain a mystery.

    Your life is forever changed but it is still a life, Rosemary.

    It was given to you to live as fully and lovingly as possible. Your love for your husband will never die. It will always reside in your heart and at times, you will feel him near you giving you strength to get up out of bed, shower, dress and get on with your day.

    Sometimes selfish decisions are made by those we love and they don’t fully think about what their choices mean for those that decision will have to deal with their consequences. We are human. Give yourself time to grieve, all the stages of grief, and no that your life, while changed, is still worth living.

    Praying for you and Wayne and your families. May you find peace and acceptance soon.

  2. Molly Todd
    October 19th, 2016 at 16:45 | #2

    Rosemary,

    My heart still aches for you and I am hopeful to see you writing. We miss you and your voice. And I agree with your wise friends, give yourself plenty of time to heal, and go slow.

    Love from Richmond,

    Molly

  3. Janice giacoppo
    October 19th, 2016 at 17:21 | #3

    Blessings on you Rosemary.

  4. Susan Schnittger
    October 19th, 2016 at 18:22 | #4

    Rosemary, I have always found music to be a comfort when facing loss. This song particularly says it. Please feel better. You may never know how much you mean to so many. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OU2ZFcAoLlk

  5. Karyn Cleavely
    October 19th, 2016 at 19:43 | #5

    Rosemary - I’m so sorry for your loss. I know a bit about how you feel. I lost my husband, the love of my life, on Feb. 7, 2015.

    There are still days when I find myself thinking ‘He was just in the other room - I know he was!’ There are days that I can get through quite normally.

    This is what confuses our friends and family. They see us acting a bit like our old selves and think we are ok again. They don’t understand that a song or a favorite TV show that we watched together or just hearing someone express an opinion in the same way that our loved one did, can bring it all back in the blink of an eye.

    My husband was British, and we loved Hawaii Five-0. I would DVR it because it was on after he would be asleep at night. Then we would watch it together.

    After he died, the episodes built up on the DVR because I couldn’t bring myself to watch them. I finally did. In a recent episode, they had to go to England to catch a bad guy. At the end, there was a very funny moment where they got medals from the Queen.

    My first thought was ‘Freddie would get such a kick out of this!”, and then I was in tears. Those moments are not as frequent as they were a year and a half ago, but I also know they will probably never stop completely. I also know that he would want me to go on and be happy, the same as I would have wanted for him.
    Sorry for the long story, but it helps me too, to be able to recount stories about him. Thinking about you and always around if you need an ear. Take care of yourself.

  6. October 19th, 2016 at 22:47 | #6

    Rosemary,
    Thank you for sharing. It is good to know better how to pray for you. I have always held a great respect for your great integrity and the kindness with which you have shared your vast knowledge.

    After we became FB friends, I also enjoyed the humor and fun that you and Wayne shared and how well you loved each other.

    I can assure you that I will be keeping you in prayer.

    The people God has brought into your life…..He is loving you through them. Heartprints of God and A Haven for Vee as well as Thistle Cove Farm are blogs that have been around for a while, but the bloggers are recently widowed and as for me, I find comfort when I feel like someone else understands better what I am dealing with. They are beautiful, loving and godly blogs.

    Perhaps you might find some comfort there.

  7. October 20th, 2016 at 09:31 | #7

    @Rita Wilson
    Thank you so much, Rita.

    Your comments are spot-on.

    Absolutely spot on.

    “Long-term grief” is exactly what I’m struggling with. Last night, I attended a support group for others who’ve lost a loved to suicide and I found that there are people still struggling YEARS after the loss. YEARS. Many tears flowed freely and frankly, I think I’m not ready for this group. Last night, I went home and went right to bed after the meeting, and the nightmares and screaming in my sleep returned.

    ROsemary

  8. Cathy Ringer
    October 26th, 2016 at 19:46 | #8

    Hi Rose,

    Wanted to say thank you to all the lovely people who have responded to your blog. They are true Angels with their words of wisdom and empathy.

    Wayne was my Brother-In-Law for 37+ years, I think of his passing and circumstances each day. I find on occasion, his brother, Mike, with tears in his eyes.

    The sixth month anniversary (10/18) of Wayne’s death was especially hard on him, as he cried most of the day. It is so hard on him not knowing why, being Wayne was his only sibling. He, as a man, mostly grieves inside.

    As with woman, I think, we grieve on the outside. I don’t think either is any less grief than the other.

    Your friend was absolutely right about tragedy, unless you have witnessed it first hand, the tragic-illiterate find it hard to comprehend the magnitude of feelings that will and do follow!

    As always Rosemary, our thoughts, prayers and love are with you!
    Remember…baby steps!❤️❤️

  9. October 30th, 2016 at 18:38 | #9

    Hi Cathy,

    I’m paralyzed and lost in the fog. I gave up on all the drugs as they were messing up my head. Today, if I were queen of the world, I’d tell anyone who would listen, if you want to DESTROY everyone around you, commit suicide.

    Suicide doesn’t end suffering; it only spreads it around and multiplies it, exponentially, putting terrible, soul-shattering burdens on your loved ones. These days I feel like life on earth is hellish; a sentence to be served.

    As the shock wears off, the grief and despair becomes more profound. I weep every day. Today, I was a visitor in a new church (I have moved) and I spotted two familiar faces. As I went hobbling after them (with one bad knee), they literally outran me. I tried to catch up with them in their cars and could not. Finally, I called my friend and he said that he was on his way to lunch with the other friend. I asked if I could join them and was told, “No, I don’t think so.”

    I have spent the day in tears. And the best part: The sermon in church was centered on the fact that Jesus sought out those that were cast out by society and brought them into His inner circle.

    Last week, I attended a suicide survivor’s group. I learned that my experiences are not unique but typical. Lives are literally shattered by suicide and we, “the survivors” become the outcasts of society.

    Rosemary

  10. B Maura Townsend
    October 31st, 2016 at 14:49 | #10

    I’ve been thinking of you since I heard the news. I can’t really do anything to help, being so far away, and so overwhelmed with my own life.

    But my thoughts have been with you.

    I am so, so sorry.

  11. November 5th, 2016 at 11:52 | #11

    Thanks, Maura. So very many people have told me, “Just move on! Look to the forward.”

    That’s not helpful advice. How can you “look forward” when you’re lost in the fog of searing emotional pain?

    Life shouldn’t be this hard.

  12. Rhonda LaPointe Frazier
    November 16th, 2016 at 22:18 | #12

    Dear Rose, as I read your story, I felt like I was being let into your world.

    When I continued on to the beautiful comments, full of love and support, the tears began flowing.

    I’m one who has not experienced your grief, but I’m glad you are at a point where you are testing the waters and reaching out to those who care (in real life and online). I miss your humor and your knowledge, but I understand your pain.

    I just want you to know that I am one of the many who have been thinking about you and wishing you…whatever you need right now to begin to heal.

  13. Carolyn Hancock
    November 17th, 2016 at 13:24 | #13

    Still missing you and still praying for your peace. Sending you hugs.

  14. kathy wolfe
    November 23rd, 2016 at 21:22 | #14

    I could not pull you up on Facebook so I guess you are taking a break from that. Please know I pray for you often.

    When I went thru tragedies in my life people would say that in a year I would be better ….that’s well and good but how do I get thru the next hour?

    You are right life shouldn’t be this hard. Know that I will continue to pray.

  15. November 26th, 2016 at 19:07 | #15

    @kathy wolfe
    Thanks Kathy. If I could wave a magic wand and do anything, I would send this message to anyone contemplating suicide: Suicide doesn’t end pain - it just multiplies it, and spreads it exponentially to those who love you the most.

    Recently, my friend Milton found out that someone he knew had lost a son to suicide. He hugged her and said, “Believe it or not, I understand a little bit about the depth of your pain and I’m so sorry.”

    She wept and they went off to a quiet room to talk. She told him many stories and he shared the stories from my experience and he was able to let her know that she’s not as alone as she might feel right now, and that suicide creates a tsunami of emotional, spiritual and physical pain, and that her sufferings were all too familiar to him. It helps to know that us “suicide survivors” (a confusing term that means - those who have lost someone to suicide) are not alone.

  16. Martha
    December 5th, 2016 at 01:38 | #16

    Hi, I ran into this site and noticed your grief. I will also pray for you. I am glad you know how to turn to where there is hope.

    Our family too knows grief as my Mother passed away suddenly. It is like a big hole and very painful, I never understood like I do now. But God and his promises are the only comfort!

    If God was able to make our loved ones in the most wonderful way, He is more than capable of making a paradise in heaven. I now often search out scripture verses describing heaven and when I focus on that I have the best comfort.

    Example Luke 23:43 A”nd Jesus said unto him, Verily I say unto thee, Today shalt thou be with me in paradise. “https://www.biblegateway.com

  17. Martha
    December 5th, 2016 at 01:46 | #17

    Psalm 40 King James Version (KJV):

    I waited patiently for the Lord; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry.

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