I sure could use them now.
For reasons I don’t fully understand, I’m back in a valley and struggling to rise to my feet again. Part of the challenge is that the shock is wearing off, and so many memories are returning. Some are good memories but many are bad memories of conversations with Wayne. Conversations that I didn’t understand at the time, but I understand them now.
My prayer-warrior friend Tracie tells me that sometimes, we need to focus our prayers. And right now, I need “the peace of God that passes all understanding.”
I also need to find a home in a beautiful place. My worldly possessions are scattered hither and yon in storage units. I’m living – camped out really – in a rental unit that was supposed to be temporary. Unfortunately, I’ve been here almost a year now.
Why am I stuck? I don’t know. Should I keep hoping for the best or “embrace the suck”?
I always believed in the power of visualization and setting goals. I believed that God answers prayers in a way that brings the maximum blessing. I believed that the universe was a friendly place.
All three of those beliefs have been shattered into a billion pieces.
I don’t know what to believe.
Never in a million years did I think my husband would commit suicide. Never in a million years did I think I’d be a renter at the age of 58, with my favorite things stuffed in storage units. Never in a million years did I think that my much-loved husband would do some of the things that he did, designed to create maximum confusion and despair after his death.
Never in a million years.
My daughter said that *that* should be our new mantra – “Never in a million years.”
So here I sit on the first day of July, pouring my heart out on a blog, trying to find my way out of limbo and into The New Normal™.
I’ve prayed until I’m blue in the knees, so I ask my friends for your prayers.
With much gratitude,
Rosemary and Teddy.