Feels like the second wave of grief has hit. Plus, I busted my leg during a bad fall so I’m not able to move around much.
And were it not for my friend and angel “Milton,” I’d have lost my mind. Milton has stayed right with me for six months, even using four weeks of paid leave from his work during the darkest hours. He also orchestrated the move out of my home in Norfolk into a rental home. He has literally exhausted himself trying to save me, keep the bills paid, find a rental, and relocate to another city. When I start sinking into the mire of self-pity, I make a list of the things for which I’m grateful and I literally - speak out loud - the names of those who are praying for me. Those prayers have also kept me on this earth.
If you were one of the people praying for me, I am profoundly grateful.
My eldest daughter Crystal calls me every night to check on me. That is another lifeline that keeps me moving forward, one step at a time. And there’s Barbara, who gave me this advice: “Be gentle with yourself. You need sleep and rest. Live 15 minutes at a time. This may take a year or it might take two, but stop pushing it.”
And my Facebook friend “Bev” who contacted me and said, “What can I do to help?” And then showed up to help with The Big Move into the rental. And held me when I wept.
And there’s Tracie - who from the very beginning - spoke words so profound (and on point) that I pulled out my laptop and transcribed the conversation so that I could read it again and again. And Cathy (Wayne’s sister), who has sent me daily texts reminding me that she loves me, and that I would always be part of her family. And Anne and Mike, who took me into their home for three weeks - the three worst weeks - and kept me going.
I’ve found that there are two kinds of people in this world: Those who have known and/or really understand tragedy and those who don’t. It really is that simple.
I’ve also learned that many of your “good friends” disappear while others - often people that were on the periphery of your life -use all of their best energies to pull you out of the icy seas and into the life boat, and put their best efforts into saving you, just because that’s how they’re wired. They open their homes and hearts to a a veritable stranger because, they’re that type of person that knows about tragedy.
And I have learned that way too many people are too comfortable to allow your discomfort into their circle, so they make up stories as an excuse to keep you out of their life. It’s as though they genuinely believe that you’re contagious.
I’m sorry to say that I’ve seen the very worst of Christianity during this crisis, and yet I’ve also seen the very best. There truly are angels walking among us who can still see a shimmer of God shining in your soul when all you can see is darkness. I’ve spent many hours just sitting quietly in churches seeking respite and peace. And kudos to the Catholics for keeping their churches open throughout the day. A priest in Alton, Illinois spent two hours talking to me - a stranger - and explaining that God was still with me. His words brought much comfort.
And there’s Donna in Illinois who has offered to let me stay with her as long as I need to, so that my shattered heart and soul can heal.
I haven’t abandoned this website but I’m not sure what to do with it.
And thanks again to all those who have sent me their prayers and their love.