Archive

Posts Tagged ‘Rose Thornton’

Teddy’s “Evening Constitutional”!

August 28th, 2018 Sears Homes 4 comments

A few people have asked me why I bought a golf cart. The truth is, it’s something I’ve always wanted, and more importantly, it’s something that Teddy wants and needs.

Her arthritis is slowing her down quite a bit these days. On our walkies, she’s good for about a 1/4 mile and then she wants to go home. There have been times when she simply sits down in the grass, and then I have to wait with her, or call a friend to come get us.

It seemed like a golf cart might be just the thing. And it is.

Now she rides in style around our neighborhood, snuggled up next to me with her nose in the air, taking in all the unique smells on our drive - from the 500-acre nursery to the horse farm down the road and out to the 200-acre cotton field just around the corner. We drive out to the marina at the western edge of the neighborhood and sometimes we just watch the sun set over the Nansemond River.

In a few short nights, it seems as though it’s become her favorite part of the day. As soon as I reach for the keys, she gets quite excited as if to say, “oh boy, let’s GO!”

This little red electric cart is a way for Teddy to enjoy the sights, smells and sounds of her world, even when her little legs won’t carry her as far as they once did.

Tonight, Teddy and I were driving around on a pleasant summer evening, she leaned against me and nuzzled me as if to say, “Thanks, Mom.”

In the last two years, we’ve been through hell and we’re both ready for a little ease and quiet.

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FTR

Teddy on Tuesday evening, ready for her evening ride.

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And Her Name is C-Biscuit…

June 2nd, 2018 Sears Homes 5 comments

In the last few months, I have really struggled to sort out my thoughts and figure out what makes me happy. More than a year ago, I decided that I was going to live on a five-acre horse farm and keep a couple horses.

And then I spent some time with a 50-something-year-old woman who had three horses. I soon realized that this was a part-time job, and it was an expensive part-time job. Reluctantly, I decided to buy a few stuffed horses and call it a day.

More recently, I decided that I would like to have a little Prius C, which is “the baby Prius.” I’ve named her “C-Biscuit.”

She’s tiny, adorable, amazingly comfortable and also practical. Best of all, she sips gas, obtaining 55-65 mpg.

A few times, I have surpassed 70 mpg. C-Biscuit is a hybrid, powered by both an ICE (internal combustion engine) and battery power. The engine has a mere 66 horsepower, and the electric side provides an additional 33 horsies, for a total of 99 horsepower. It does 0-60 in 12 seconds.

It’s efficient. It’s not fast.

The Prius C is known as the “Aqua” in Japan, and has consistently been one of the best selling cars in that country. In the United States, sales have not been as strong. Rumors abound that 2018 will be the last year for the Prius C in America, but with gas prices creeping back up, maybe Toyota will revisit that decision.

Sometimes, it’s hard to really know why something makes us happy. Perhaps it’s enough to find that silly little thing - even a slightly used red hatchback - and just grab onto it and enjoy the smiles per gallon.

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C-Biscuit (my Prius C) was purchased used in North Carolina, where they dont require front plates.

C-Biscuit (my Prius C) was purchased used in North Carolina, where they don't require front plates. I thought I heard a little "yelp" when I drilled holes into C-Biscuit's front bumper (for the Virginia license plates).

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Its adorable both coming and going.

It's adorable both coming and going. My mother's last car (purchased shortly before her death) was a little red station wagon, very similar to this car. There was something about this car that really touched my heart. Every time I look at this car, I smile. It reminds me of my first car, too. And that's a very happy memory.

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A million years ago, in a galaxy far away...

A million years ago, in a galaxy far away...My first car was a 1974 Super Beetle with a 1600cc engine. It was red on the inside and black on the outside, the inverse of C-Biscuit. The Super Beetle ("Ludwig") had a bigger engine than the Prius C. And yes, that's me. I was 17-year-old, 5'9" and weighed 124 pounds and worried constantly about my weight!

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Prius

This Prius C does 0-60 in 12 seconds.

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And it gets super gas mileage!

And it gets super gas mileage!

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In fact, I was so besotted with C-Biscuit that I bought a diminiutive version.

In fact, I was so besotted with "C-Biscuit" that I bought a diminutive version for my desk.

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And heres a picture of a Sears Modern Home (#124) in Wisconsin, just so I can say that I wrote about Sears Homes today.

And here's a picture of a Sears Modern Home (#124) in Wisconsin, just so I can say that I wrote about Sears Homes today. Either I have stayed up way too late this evening, or there's something seriously wrong with this picture. LOL. I have a feeling I made a booboo of some sort here. Look toward the bottom of the picture. Rut roe.

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To read more about Sears Homes, click here.

Interested in Penniman? Click here!

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What’s My Happy Color?

March 15th, 2018 Sears Homes 15 comments

Six months ago, a new chapter of my life began when I moved into this house in Suffolk, Virginia. In the 12 months prior to that, I’d often tell people, “I want a house that’s quirky and fun, something that’s solid and well-built, but unique. When people walk into the front door, I want them to think - this LOOKS like something Rosemary would buy!”

And I found it.

As someone who studies old houses, I don’t know that I’ve ever seen a floorplan like this. I’m not even sure I can identify what style of house this is.

And on a related note, ever since I replaced the old storm door, I’ve been dreaming about a new color for the exterior shutters. Perhaps brown is the best color to complement the earth-toned bricks, but if you can think of a new color, please let me know.

Thanks in advance for any and all comments.

Want to learn how to identify kit homes? Click here.

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One of this homes most appealing features was that it had been beautifully maintained by its first (and only) owners. And yet, the storm door was a little tired and quite drafty. After it was replaced with the new full-view door but that has inspired me to re-think the shutter color.

One of this home's most appealing features was that it had been beautifully maintained by its first (and only) owners. And yet, the storm door was a little tired and a bit drafty. After it was replaced with the new full-view door (right side) , that inspired me to re-think the shutter color.

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If anyone has any guesses as to the year of manufacture for this door, Id love to know. The house was built in 1976, but surely the door isnt 40 years old - or is it?

If anyone has any guesses as to the year of manufacture for this door, I'd love to know. The house was built in 1976, but surely the door isn't 40 years old - or is it?

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The new storm door was under $200 at Lowes and does a fine job of highlighting that beautiful 1950s-ish looking front door.

The new storm door was under $200 at Lowes and does a fine job of highlighting that beautiful 1950s-ish looking front door. And Teddy the Dog loves it too.

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That front door looks more like something youd find on a 1950s ranch, and its one of my favorite features on this 40-year-old custom-built brick ranch.

That front door looks more like something you'd find on a 1950s ranch, and it's one of my favorite features on this 40-year-old custom-built house.

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As I mentioned above, Ive never seen a floorplan such as Ive seen in this house.

As I mentioned above, I've never seen a floorplan such as I've seen in this house. On the other side of that full-view storm door is this massive chimney, rising up from the floor to the ceiling. It provides privacy, so that you can't peak in the front door and see the living room.

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The living room (and the wood stove insert) is on the other side.

The living room (and fireplace with wood stove insert) is on the other side of that large brick chimney. You can see a bit of the front door behind that fireplace (with the old storm door). The space on the right is the stairwell that leads to the basement garage.

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Its a mighty narrow stairwell that leads to the basement/garage, and its built with concrete block walls. I have not been able to figure out why a staircase would need to be built like a bomb shelter.

It's a mighty narrow stairwell that leads to the basement/garage, and it's built with concrete block walls. I have not been able to figure out why a staircase would need to be built like a bomb shelter.

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Within that front foyer are two steps which lead to the living space. I spend my life thinking about houses and I cant even come up with a name for this particular style.

Within that front foyer are two steps which lead to the living space. I spend my life thinking about houses and I can't even come up with a name for this particular style. I suppose it's a brick ranch, but this sunken foyer is quite unique!

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Back to the question at hand - what color shutters do I want?

Back to the question at hand - what color shutters do I want? Or is brown simply the best choice? The roof is also brown. However, the brown storm door is gone!

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Shutter

Things were a lot more green when I bought the house in early October 2017. I'm looking forward to seeing that pretty green color again!

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Thanks in advance for any and all comments.

Want to learn how to identify kit homes? Click here.

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Before Calling the Fire Department, I Cleaned The House…

February 28th, 2018 Sears Homes 16 comments

Early this morning, I detected an acrid smell in my bedroom, and it was the distinctive smell of an electrical fire.

Admittedly, I have a hypersensitive sniffer, and the smell was intense - to me. I walked throughout the house looking for its source. I walked outside, hoping that it was someone else’s problem. It was not.

Next, I went into the basement and that’s when the smell was most intense. There was no source that I could find, yet the light bulbs in the basement had a blue haze around them. Something was burning.

Despite my best efforts, I couldn’t find the source.

Upstairs, I spent 10 minutes doing a whirlwind clean of the house, throwing things in closets and running around picking up. Because I had a feeling that when I called the fire department, exciting things would happen.

After the house was tidy, I dialed the non-emergency police number and told the dispatcher what was happening and asked if they could come out without the sirens. She said, “M’am, I don’t think so. And by the way, please evacuate the home.”

In less than three minutes, two fire engines arrived at my house and I’ve never met a nicer bunch of fellows. They walked through the basement and pulled out a heat camera and saw that one breaker on the box was hot. A fireman then looked at the water heater and he showed me that the wiring around the bottom element had burned up - thoroughly.

So while I’m very grateful for this good outcome, I wonder, do I invoke the home warranty people who drove me to hard liquor last time, or do I just shell out the money myself? Because I sure do need a new water heater!

To read one of my favorite blogs about heroes, click here.

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It was an exciting day here at the Peaceful Palace

It was an exciting day here at the Peaceful Palace.

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I sure do like having a basement!

I sure do like having a basement!

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Basement

Here's the culprit. That little bit of nothing generated enough bad smells to fills the house with an odor.

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To read one of my favorite blogs about heroes, click here.

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Compartmentalizing the Sacred Spaces

February 25th, 2018 Sears Homes 5 comments

As my friends know, I consider the Open Floor Plan to be a plague spot on American architecture, and it’s a plague that continues to spread.

The home I recently purchased in Suffolk has lots and lots of walls and a few doors, and I’m a big fan of walls and doors.

Nonetheless, one of my favorite rooms in the house - the den at the southeastern end of the house - had two cased openings but no doors.

The den has become my “nest” where I can curl up on the couch and watch TV or just look out the large sliding glass door into the peaceful back yard. In the morning, sunlight streams in through the three capacious windows. It’s the only room in the house that has windows on three of its four sides.

I wanted doors, but didn’t want to obstruct any of that wonderful light in the contiguous rooms (kitchen and dining room).

So I came up with a plan. Check out the pictures to see my unique idea.

To read one of my favorite blogs, click here.

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As Teddy demonstrates, there is no door between the kitchen and the den. Not good. I need doors and lots of them.

As Teddy demonstrates, there is no door between the kitchen and the den. Not good. I need doors and lots of them. My "nest" can be seen in the background. And yes, that's an enormous stuffed horse.

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And when I curl up on my nest (on the couch in the den), I can see the kitchen. Not good. The kitchen should not be seen or heard. I dont want to think about the kitchen. Ever.

And when I curl up on my nest (on the couch in the den), I can see the kitchen. Not good. The kitchen should not be seen or heard. I don't want to think about the kitchen. Ever.

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So I had an idea...and it started with these doors.

So I had an idea...and it started with these doors. These are bifold doors, ordered from Lowes Hardware. I purchased two sets of these doors (on sale) 24" wide, so that the two sets would match my 48" cased opening.

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FFF

They arrived expeditiously and in fine shape. I removed the hinges and patched the small holes left behind. The hinges were surface mount (not mortised), so it was easy to patch the screw holes.

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Bypass

I also purchased this "bypass closet door track kit." It's designed for closet doors, and the "bypass" allows for two doors to be on the same track. According to the weight specs, it was more than sturdy enough to support my discombobulated French Doors.

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Next, I installed a double bypass track in the top of the doorway. This is a track that lets two doors slide past each other.

Next, I installed the track in the doorway. It was one inch too long and had to be cut down. Installation was very simple and fast. I didn't use the screws that came with the kit, but opted for something more substantial.

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Next, I affixed the corresponding rollers to the top of these wooden french doors.

Next, I affixed the corresponding rollers to the top of these wooden doors.

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With the track in place, installing the doors was quite simple.

With the track in place, installing the doors was quite simple.

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And they worked so well!

And they worked so well!

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And looked so pretty!

And looked so pretty!

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After a brief moment of admiration, I pulled them down for painting.

After a brief moment of admiration, I pulled them down for painting. The doors were of excellent quality, and the glass was covered with plastic to protect the glass during painting. I applied one coat of primer and two coats of paint. This was the most time-consuming process of all. These doors sat in my den (on sawhorses, atop plastic) for quite some time.

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After

After the painting was done, they were reinstalled (which took a few seconds). Even with the paint slopped over the edges, they looked quite attractive.

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And once completed, it looked fantastic.

And once completed, it looked fantastic.

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They can be opened partially.

They look good partially shut...

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Or fully

Or shut all the way.

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ff

Even the dinette set (in the kitchen) is happier.

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Before and After photos (actually, theyre in the wrong order).

"Before and After" photos. Actually, they're in the wrong order. The "after photo" is on the left. Oops.

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Best of all, I can sit on my couch and not see the kitchen very well!

Best of all, I can sit on my couch and not see the kitchen! Mission accomplished.

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Id thought about installing something like this, but it was too big and bulky and didnt fit the style of the house. Plus, I didnt have the wall space.

Originally, I'd thought about installing something like this, but it was too big and bulky and didn't fit the style of the house. Plus, I didn't have the wall space. And it would cut off the light from the other rooms. Not good.

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With these French Doors, the sunlight still fills the house!

With these French Doors, the sunlight still fills the house! Total cost was $280 for the two sets of bifold doors (seen above) and about $35 for the hardware.

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To read one of my favorite blogs, click here.

Read more about the open floor plan (and why it’s so evil) here.

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Flipping Insane…

July 5th, 2017 Sears Homes 2 comments

Back in the day, “Flipper” was a television show, featuring a bottle-nose dolphin. Flipper was, in fact, a lot like Lassie with fins. I remember crowding around the television with the fam to watch Flipper on Saturday nights. (As I tell my daughter, ours was the last family on the block to get a color television.)

But now, this once lovely name - “Flipper” - has such ugly connotations. In 21st century America, “flippers” are investors (blech) who take fine old houses and rip out walls and replace original windows and create cathedral ceilings in homes that were never intended to have cathedral ceilings. Ick.

Today I was on Zillow looking at the new listings and I discovered a new listing in Portsmouth. Sadly, it’s another 1960s house that’s been gutted in the name of homogenizing every American house until it looks like something on HGTV (Houses Getting Totally Vandalized).

Zipping through the photos, I noticed a very odd “chandelier” which made me laugh out loud. Words defy me, so I’ll show the actual image.

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Wow

Yup, that light fixture looks a lot like a squirrel-cage blower, doesn't it? I wonder if this blower was harvested from the furnace? That blower, er, uh, "chandelier" sure looks dusty.

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And now, for the palate cleanse: The GOOD Flipper.

And now, for the palate cleanse: The GOOD Flipper.

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To read about Sears Homes, click here.

Interested in the history of a Virginia Ghost Town? Click here.

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The Children Have Arrived!

June 18th, 2017 Sears Homes 1 comment

On June 13th (my father’s birthday) , several boxes of books labeled “Penniman” arrived. It’s pretty sweet to see six years of effort and research come to fruition. As mentioned in an earlier blog, the first printing was a mere 200 copies, and more than 50% of those books have already left home.

Thus far, the feedback has been extremely positive, and every kind word has been a healing balm to my weary soul.

Many readers have expressed surprise at the book’s thickness. It’s more than 300 pages, and every page is filled with innumerable facts and stats. It has 430 annotations, referencing more than 300 pieces of original source material.

As research projects go, it was a behemoth.

If you’d like to order your own copy, click here.

To learn more about Sears kit homes, click here.

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Teddy

Teddy watches over a few of the Penniman books.

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Several people have commented that its thicker than they were expecting. Its more than 300 pages (about twice as thick as The Houses That Sears Built).

Several people have commented that it's thicker than they were expecting. It's more than 300 pages (about twice as thick as "The Houses That Sears Built").

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Teddy gave it two dew-claws up!

Teddy really enjoyed reading about the Canary Girls.

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For some time, the book languished in this state, a nearly completed manuscript.

For some time, the book languished in this state, a "nearly completed manuscript."

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Teddy poses with about 50% of the research materials. Two of these boxes contain more than 50 notesbooks.

Teddy poses with about 50% of the research materials. Two of these boxes contain more than 50 notesbooks. Several cardboard boxes filled with newspaper articles are not shown.

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*To order your very own copy of “Penniman, Virginia’s Own Ghost City,” click on the Paypal button below. Price is $29.95 plus $6.00 shipping. This first printing will be only 200 copies, each of which will be signed by the author.


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The Last Seven Books…

May 5th, 2017 Sears Homes 4 comments

Nothing has been “orderly” about the last 12 months, and as a result, book orders have been delayed and a few orders fell between the cracks. Worst of all, several boxes of books got packed into storage which now (according to Harrison Moving) can’t be retrieved without a minimum $160 fee.

Every single thing in my life took a hit from The Bad Thing™.

However…

I have seven books left. That’s it for now. After these seven are gone, I’ll probably do one more reprinting and then that’s the end of the run.

Horise I, Horsie II and Horsie III are guarding the last seven books.

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Horsie

The last seven copies of "The Houses That Sears Built."

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To learn more about Sears Homes, click here.

Penniman is another fascinating story. More on that here.

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That Rascally Haskell

March 30th, 2017 Sears Homes 6 comments

Today, despite all the publicity about recycling, we’re still a very wasteful society, and even more so when it comes to housing.

More than 35% of all debris at modern landfills is construction debris. HGTV is the worst offender, encouraging millions to rip out and destroy old kitchens and baths, while violating  the first commandment of old house ownership: “Thou Shalt Not Destroy Good Old Work.”

A century ago, when Penniman was abandoned, the overwhelming majority of the houses were “knocked down” (disassembled board by board) and moved to another site. Some of the houses were moved intact and whole. Today, the majority of these houses are still alive and well in Norfolk and Williamsburg.

And now, thanks to the foresight of the Whisnant family, we have pictures of the residential area of Penniman, showing these houses within this village, built by DuPont for workers at the shell-loading plant. Below, you’ll see images of the “Haskell,” living in Penniman and later in Norfolk.

To learn more about the Penniman houses in Williamsburg, click here.

Read about the Norfolk Penniman houses here.

Images below are courtesy of the family of Joseph and Ola Whisnant. Thanks to the foresight and generosity of the Whisnant family, we have street views and genre scenes of life in Penniman. Cameras were probably forbidden within the cantonment of Penniman, and visitors would have subjected to a daunting search of their personal belongings, entering and exiting. These images are the only known existing photographs of the residential areas of Penniman.

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Street view of the newly created village of Penniman. The streets are mud and the houses are fresh and new. The village was built in 1918 and abandoned in early 1920. Photos are courtesy of the Whisnant family.

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Whisnant

Another view of the village. Notice the hydrant to the right with the easy-to-access valve. The model of houses shown in this picture (Cumberland, Florence, Haskell and a piece of the Georgia) eventually landed in Norfolk and Williamsburg, Virginia.

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whisnant fam

A close-up of the Haskell.

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others

Thanks to the Norfolk city assessor, we have a picture of this same model, taken in the 1950s. There are more than 50 of these homes - built at DuPont's Penniman - along Major Avenue and Glenroie Avenue in Norfolk.

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fesef

Comparison of the house in Norfolk (1950s) and the house in Penniman (1918).

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House

This "Haskell" has been resided with a substitute PVC-type shake, and the belt course on the gable line was moved up closer to the peak. Other than that, it looks much as it did when built in 1918.

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whisnant

The Haskell, as it appeared in a building catalog in 1920.

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Thanks to clyde Vir Pilot December 1921

In December 1921, these houses were moved from Penniman to Norfolk via barge. Many thanks to professional photographer Clyde Nordan for cleaning up the images. (Virginian Pilot, December 1921.)

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To learn more about the Penniman houses in Williamsburg, click here.

Read about the Norfolk Penniman houses here.

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Photobucket is Down - Again. Updated on 8/2017 and 5/2018.

April 17th, 2016 Sears Homes 22 comments

When photobucket goes down, all of my pictures disappear. That’s what is happening right now, and it started last night.

If one of my readers could recommend an alternative photo hosting site, I’d be very glad to know about it. One that is easy to use.

I’m currently a “paid” customer at Photobucket, so this is even more disturbing.

I’d like to post a cute picture here but that picture - like the other 5,492 pictures at this site - would not appear.

Thanks so much.

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Now I know. The following post explains how much pain my suicidal husband inflicted on me. At the end of this long post, you’ll find an update (written May 2018) which explains how I finally found some peace.

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And 18 hours after I posted this blog on April 17, 2016 (at 6:18 pm), my husband was dead from a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the brain stem.

I don’t know if anyone is reading this, as it’s an old unimportant picture-less blog, but I will share this with the lone reader or two that stumbles onto this forgotten page: If you want to completely destroy your spouse, Wayne Ringer found the perfect method. Leave work abruptly, after co-workers overhear an argument with your wife, over the phone. Who cares that it’s a fight that he staged, and pre-planned. After this fight, send your wife a text that blames her for your ghastly act, and then - right before you pull the trigger - put that phone in a front pocket, so that it’s not damaged from bodily fluids, because you know that the police will check your phone and read that message and then word will spread far and wide that you - Wayne Ringer - were driven to this act by your shrew of a wife.

Leave a message with your adulteress (a woman that you claimed you loathed because she “could never keep her big fat mouth shut” and was “a real dumb ass”) and tell that woman - over and over again - that your wife is a miserable bitch that you despise.

After your death by suicide, that “dumb ass” will prove to be a very “useful idiot” and repeat that story to anyone and everyone that gives her a hearing. And because small-minded folk love gossip, that story will get much traction and spread far and wide.

That wife - that “drove you to this” - would be the wife who cooked her husband hundreds of heart-healthy meals, who slipped him fish-oil tablets, to make sure he lived longer, the wife who looked deep into his eyes during the passionate moments and said, “I love you so much that I can’t even find the words to express it.” That would be the wife who told him, “I pray God that I pass before you, because I can’t imagine living without you.”

That would be the wife that frequently told him, “You’re the most brilliant man walking this earth. Of that I am sure.”

That would be the wife who covered him in prayers every morning and every evening. That would be the wife that asked God to surround him in light and love. That would be the wife that asked God to send His angels to keep him safe at City Hall. That would be the wife who hungered for his kiss and longed for his  touch. That would be the wife that stopped gardening, cleaning, writing, cooking or whatever - and ran to the door at 5:40 every evening to greet him with a passionate kiss, because she was glad that he was home, safe and sound. That would be the wife who photographed him thousands of times in ten years, just because “you’re the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen.”

Since his death, I’ve struggled mightily just to face every hour. I live in 15-minute increments. I can no longer read the Bible, so I listen to hymns.

Mainly, I watch TV and most of that is violent crime shows. Pre-April 2016, I despised these very shows. Too graphic. Too violent. Too disturbing. But now, it’s like “Hurt”, the song by Johnny Cash. He sings,

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real.

Thanks be to God, I have avoided “cutting” although I well understand the temptation. I went through my drug phase and my alcoholic phase and my suicidal phase, and now, I’m in the “numb phase.” Maybe that’s why I watch crime shows. It’s my current drug of choice. It turns off my over-heated emotional hard drive. And in the shows that I watch, the bad guy loses and the good guy wins.

For most of my life, I believed in divine justice. Now I’m not sure what to believe. My deeply-entrenched religious belief system and spiritual faith has been set on fire and thrown out the front door. Now it sits in the street, a smoldering ash heap, the remnant of 50+ years of devout faith and daily work.

After Wayne’s death, I learned that he was not a faithful husband. That has cost me so much pain. Pain on top of pain on top of pain.

Every now and then, I return to this blog and think about the day that I got so frustrated about photobucket. I get so angry with myself because I should not have gotten on that plane Monday morning (April 18, 2016). God should have told me to stay home, to sneak back to the house and wait for him. I knew he was troubled. But I’d seen him troubled before, still, as a sensitive soul, I should have known. I should have stopped him. I should have canceled the trip. I should have been there. And there’s this: I lost my boarding pass that morning at Norfolk International Airport. Was that a sign from God that I should go back home? Could this have been avoided if I had not been so insistent to get on that plane to Boston?

What if he had found me in the living room that day when he came home at 10:30 am? Could I have stopped him? Or would he have killed me too? Either one of those scenarios seem like a better outcome than what I now must face every day of my life.

So, I don’t know if anyone will ever see this blog again. These old picture-less blogs get buried in the 1000+ blogs I’ve published at this site. But if you have read this, you know now the real secrets of this widow’s heart.

I’m not a writer. I’m not a historian. I’m not sure what I am. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know who I am. And I don’t know what I believe.

I really don’t know.

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The best summation I’ve found about being “the wife” is at this link. This article makes it clear what happens to the wife, and I have experienced all of these. Number 6 (on this list) is the one that has hit me the hardest.

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Updated in May 2018: It’s taken two years, and now I know with certainty, I had nothing to do with his suicide. I wasn’t that important to him. I wasn’t important enough to have any influence - for good or for bad.

There’s more, but that’s all I can post publicly.

And with that, I find my heart healing a little bit, day by day.

Thank you for your prayers. I am truly, honestly, deeply grateful.

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